Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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