she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
