I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
