fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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