wat bout pragnant strippers??
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You dont lie about slip and slides
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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