dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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