this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
