the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
