I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
