Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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