I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
