I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
