i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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