Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
