she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
