by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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