pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you win again, gameday.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
