I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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