you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
