I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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