If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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