I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
