Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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