Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
