After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
