Your dad touched me again.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Damn victory sex feels great
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
