he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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