I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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