Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
