Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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