Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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