weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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