He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize