shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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