Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
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