I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
