Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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