They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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