In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
