i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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