Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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