just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize