Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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