just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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