I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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