I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
