I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
zippers are such a cool invention
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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