after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
