Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
