She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
