??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize