oh god the rape fog is back!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
