I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I forgot wine drunk hurts
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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