Its about making memories worth repressing
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
