Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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