New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
