high people should be assigned attendants
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
