When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
