seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
