I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
