I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
