So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
