I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
