At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize