Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
