Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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