i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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