I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize