there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
im holly from the hills drunk
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
