Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
