That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize