You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
